Cell Block Tango
by tails267
Summary: And now the six merry raccoons of the Cooper Country jail, in their rendition of 'The Cell Block Tango'.


**Sly Cooper © to Sanzaru games**

_Lick. Jefe. Swish. Grr. Decibel. Clockwerk._

From the grimy stairs came footsteps, a lighter set followed by a heavy set. The light set belonged to a masked convict, his ringed tail swishing the stone floor as a pistol was pressed to his back.

"Hurry it up Cooper, your cell date awaits."

He didn't know what creature the growl belonged to but they didn't sound friendly. The bandit took in his surroundings, noting how they passed many adequate and vacant holds.

"Um, aren't you going to lock me up in one of these?"

"Oh, no. We have a special wing for your kind of merry mischief makers."

The convict, a cunning raccoon by the name of Sly, continued more cautiously down the hall, as the pistol was now digging further into his fur.

Why he had ended up here, nobody knew.

After a never ending maze of blocks the two seemed to of reached the furthest crevices of the prison, a door marked with the words 'Chicago wing' signalled the raccoon's new refuge in sprawling red letters. He was shoved through this door and thrown into the cell beyond.

"Enjoy your stay, _murderer." _

Murderer. How could he be accused of such a thing?

"Lick."

A sound, barely more than a whisper, floated from the end of the block, closely followed by another.

"Jefe."

Slightly unnerved, the raccoon climbed shakily to his feet, ears pricked to catch the approaching murmurs.

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

They were getting nearer. Louder. Quicker.

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

"Who are you?" He called out, shaken by this assortment of voices.

"I was about to ask you the same thing, mate."

All fell silent as the furthest speaker came forward, his copper muzzle brushing the prison bars. Sly pressed against his own to get a glimpse of the face.

"Whatcha do to wind up in here, son?" A slice of moonlight illuminated his face, revelling dusty, well-worn features. This convict was also a raccoon, a little younger than Sly, he wore a low down hat and belt, any other clothing invisible in the gloom. A clean bullet hole through one ear told the story of his capture.

"Only highest end criminals get shut up in ear'." He didn't look sneering, just curious. Sly decided to trust him.

"I committed the lowest offence of all, cold hard murder."

"No surprise there then," he clicked his teeth, presumably in amusement. "We're all scum here."

Out of the shadows appeared four other faces, all caged in individual cells. Each bore the scars of their crime.

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

"I wanna know how you got in here," The furthest spoke out to Sly. "But I should explain our predicaments first. What do ya say lads, shall we give the 'coon a taste of our tango?"

The signal now given all inmates spring to life, all adding their input to a well-revised ballad.

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

The tempo had entered Sly, gotten into his head, veins and heart. He felt inclined to join in. "Clockwerk!"

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

"Clockwerk."

_They had it coming_

_They had it coming_

_They only had themselves to blame_

_If you'd have been there_

_If you had seen it_

_I betcha you would of done the same! _

The end raccoon steps forward now, introducing himself as Tennessee Kid.

"You know how people have these little habits that get you down?

Like Toothpick.

Toothpick liked to suck lollipops.

No, not suck. LICK.

So I went into the saloon one day,

And I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy

And there's Toothpick. Sittin' at the bar, drinkin' a beer and suckin'.

No, not suckin'.

Lickin'.

So, I said to him "You lick that lolly one more time.."

And he did. So I took my shotgun out the holster and I fired two warning shots…

Into his head."

The others knew this was coming, backing up the outlaw with their strong voices.

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame_

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have heard it_

_I betcha you would of done the same!_

A figure stirred in the next cell along and came up against the bars, his face obscured within the material of his hood. Sly strained to catch his name; it was Rioichi.

"I met El Jefe from Russia about two years ago,

he told me he wasn't villainous, and we allied right away.

So, we started scheming together.

He's go out, he'd come in, I'd fix him some sushi,

We'd have dinner.

And then I found out.

"Sinless" he told me? Sinless my tail!

Not only was he evil, oh no. He had a whole army.

One of those warheads, you know?

So that night, when he came into the restaurant, I fixed him his sushi as usual.

You know some guys just can't hold their sashimi."

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He took a flower in its prime_

_And then he used it and he abused it_

_It was a murder but not a crime_

_Clang!_

Metal struck cold metal, bringing the third inmate to attention. He clung lazily onto the bars, sword raised above his head as he lent on the beams holding him captive. Sly thought he looked like a once honourable knight, this was only confirmed when he learnt of his name, Sir Galleth.

"Now, I'm standing in the courtyard, practising my swordplay,

Minding my own business.

And in storms the black knight Penelope, in a infuriated rage.

"You been stealin' from the castle!" she says.

She was crazy. And she kept on screaming "you been stealing from the castle!"

And then she ran into my sword." A look of maleficent satisfaction crossed his features.

"She ran into my sword ten times."

_If you'd have been there _

_if you'd have seen it_

_I betcha you would have done the same_

The next cell harboured a muscular fellow, who appeared to fill the whole interior with his might, yet he felt so small in comparison to his peers. He spoke in an ancient tongue, one Sly found hard to translate.

"Mit keresek én itt? (what am I doing here?)

Azt mondják, a híres lakóm lefogta Grizz, én meg lecsaptam a fejét. (It is said that the famous residential pinioned the Grizz and I slammed on his head)

De nem igaz. (but it's not true) Én ártatlan vagyok. (I am innocent)

Nem tudom, miért mondja penguins, hogy én tettem. (I don't know why the penguins say I did it)

Próbáltam a rendõrségen megmagyarázni, de nem értették meg. (I tried to explain to the police, but they did not understand me)"

"Yeah, but did you do it?" enquired Galleth.

The great raccoon shuddered. "Uh-uh. Not guilty!"

The prowler neighbouring Sly was not shameful in the slightest, a cocky smirk played upon his youthful face, his purple hued tail stirring the soot in an excitable manor. He was known as Salim, and spoke in a quick and witty tone.

"My thief brothers and I had this double act,

and this elephant, Decibel, travelled around with us.

Now, for the last number in our act

We did 20 acrobatic tricks in a row.

One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles

Back flips, flip flops one right after the other.

So, this one night before the show,

We were down at the Camel races in Arabia.

The five of us, boozin', havin' a few laughs and we ran out of fruit

so I go out and get some.

I come back, open the door, and there's my brothers, playing Mozart number 11, with Miss Decibel.

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out

I can't remember a thing, it wasn't until later

When I was washing the blood off my hands

I even knew they were dead."

_They had it coming _

_They had it coming_

_They had it coming all along_

_I didn't do it, but if I done it_

_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_

Sly joined in now with every chorus, their chants entering his ears and staying there, playing repeatedly round his head.

_They had it coming _

_They had it coming_

_They had it coming all along_

_I didn't do it, but if I done it_

_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_

It was his time now, to tell of his deed as the others before him had.

"I hated Clockwerk more than I could possibly say,

he was a real determined guy,

mad, psychotic,

But he was always trying to find us.

He go out every night looking for Coopers

And on the way, he found Raleigh, Muggshot, Mz Ruby and the Panda King.

I guess you can say he broke up because of thieving differences.

He saw himself as alive,

and I saw him dead."

Finishing his lament Sly found five pairs of eyes trained on him, each one brimming with the understanding of the underdog. Each had said their part; now it was time to form together.

_The dirty bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, _

_The dirty bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, _

How it happened was unknown, but each 'coon slipped from their prisons out into the wing.

_They had it comin'_

_They had it comin'_

_They had it comin' all along_

_'Cause if they used us and they abused us_

_How could they tell us that we were wrong?_

_He had it coming, he had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame_

_If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it_

_I betcha you would have done the same_

Somewhere on the other side of those thick walls guards shouted, officers cussed and yelled threats to the rowdy inmates.

"You lick that lolly one more time."

"Sinless my tail."

"Ten times."

"Miert csukott penguin bortonbe."

"Number eleven, Miss Decibel."

"Thieving differences."

The six merry raccoons retreated to the confines of their cells, melting with the shadows.

"Lick."

"Jefe."

"Swish."

"Grr"

"Decibel."

"Clockwerk."

**It's not often I write darker stuff, but I heard this song and couldn't resist writing a Sly version. It was fun coming up with all the ancestors parts and putting them into the song.**

**Thanks for reading!**


End file.
